I really didn't have this planned. I just woke up early this morning. I've been struggling with motivation and trying to discover how to get myself to work hard and be faithful to God. No matter what I do, I just can't seem to motivate myself. I can't describe how conflicted I feel. I know I should be an example to the congregation, but I am swimming against the current and being forcibly dragged away. I'm not abdicating responsibility, but I feel out of control.
This morning, I woke up early....no plan on my part. As I opened my eyes in the dark, quiet room, a thought began to roll around in my head. "I love you". That was pretty much it. As that thought began to take shape and sink in, I realized that I've been approaching this completely backwards.
In my first experiences with Jesus, I realized that I had nothing to offer Him. God didn't love me because I could offer Him anything except my broken life. God forgive me, I think I have forgotten that. I have forgotten how much God loves me, and that everything in my life is a response that love.
He is faithful when I am not. I didn't love him, but He first loved me. Everything comes from God's love, not my works. Somehow, I have been operating under a different paradigm.
This New Year, I'm going to be meditating on and living in light of that love.
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