12/31/13 New Year's Eve

I really didn't have this planned. I just woke up early this morning. I've been struggling with motivation and trying to discover how to get myself to work hard and be faithful to God. No matter what I do, I just can't seem to motivate myself. I can't describe how conflicted I feel.  I know I should be an example to the congregation, but I am swimming against the current and being forcibly dragged away.  I'm not abdicating responsibility, but I feel out of control.

This morning, I woke up early....no plan on my part.  As I opened my eyes in the dark, quiet room, a thought began to roll around in my head. "I love you".  That was pretty much it. As that thought began to take shape and sink in, I realized that I've been approaching this completely backwards.

In my first experiences with Jesus, I realized that I had nothing to offer Him.  God didn't love me because I could offer Him anything except my broken life.  God forgive me, I think I have forgotten that.  I have forgotten how much God loves me, and that everything in my life is a response that love.

He is faithful when I am not. I didn't love him, but He first loved me. Everything comes from God's love, not my works. Somehow, I have been operating under a different paradigm.

This New Year, I'm going to be meditating on and living in light of that love.

Dec 30, 2013

I Thessalonians 1:6 "You became imitators of us and of the Lord"

We need someone to pattern our lives after. I think the reason I often feel so lost, is that I don't feel I have anyone to imitate.  Growing up I had several men who poured their lives into me.  They showed me the daily routines that allowed me to continue to grow.

I of course went through a rebellious period, and thought of all that was legalism, but i was wrong.  I still need the daily disciplines.  Maybe more than ever. What I watch, read, listen to: all of it truly affects me. I need to evaluate all of the media I consume. It makes me want things that are harmful.

So often I feel as if I'm some sort of feather swept along on the cosmic currents of time. But my decisions matter.  If I want a better life, I have to make better decisions.

Today, I'm turning off my computer. Turning off the noise. I'm going to quietly listen for God's voice in the silence.

Lord, speak for your servant is listening!

Dec 29th, 2013

Praying for Cam as he prepares to preach. Also for his move to Oregon.

I Thessalonians 1:3- "Endurance inspired by hope in our Lord Jesus Christ"

So far i have been thinking about "work produced by faith", "labor prompted by love" and now "endurance inspired by hope".  Faith, Hope, and Love!

These three seem to infuse every thing in the Christian life. Hope is more than just wishful thinking, it's assurance that God keeps his promises.  How can hope spur me on toward endurance? I give up on things pretty easily...if things get hard, I am tempted to back out or shut down.  In marriage, parenthood, ministry...

I'm definitely not a person who sees the glass half full, or sees the good that God can bring from a situation.  I always see the worst.

What disciplines can I embrace that would help me begin to see the world through the eyes of hope instead of defeat?

Dec 28th, 2013`

Today I'm thinking about "labor prompted by love" from 1 Thessalonians.

One of the reasons I need this blog, this discipline, is because I've lost sight of why I started ministry in the first place.  I became a preacher because I had a fire in my bones and I couldn't hold it in. But now I feel like Jeremiah

Jeremiah 20:7

You deceived me, LORD, and I was deceived; you overpowered me and prevailed. I am ridiculed all day long; everyone mocks me.

I struggle to keep motivated, when before my love for Jesus always made me want to do my best...now I feel like i'm going through the motions.  

Lord, help me experience that love anew so that I can truly respond to your love.

Dec 26th

1 Thessalonians Chapter 1

I'm going to start reading through 1 Thessalonians in my devotional time.

The verse that stuck out to me (actually every time i read this chapter; tomorrow I'll focus on another verse) is verse 3: "We continually remember before our God and Father your work produced by faith, your labor prompted by love, and your endurance inspired by hope in our Lord Jesus Christ."

What work is produced by faith? What about things done outside my role as a minister. How can faith shape my role as a father? a husband?

I think I let fear rule most of my life. I want faith to rule. Today I want faith to be my default setting.  Worry and fear have had far too much influence. I need to turn over the conflicts at church to the Lord.  It's his church anyway. I need to let go of fear of the coming months, and embrace the opportunities of today.

New Devotional Log

Here it is.
I don't want to burden you, just check in once a week or so.  No need to read everything I write.  It just helps me to know that others are on this journey with me.